Stumbled upon this while looking for images ...

How To Keep Him From Cheating

What did you find was the No. 1 reason men cheat?

I think most people ascribe to the theory that men cheat for sex. Women are being told that unless they are unbelievable sexy and have a Ph.D. in prostitution education then the husband is going to cheat. But when the results came in [from my study] only 8 percent of cheaters said that sexual dissatisfaction was a primary contributor [in cheating] and only 12 percent said the mistress was better looking or in better shape than their wives. It really started to show a completely different pattern than what most expect. In fact, the majority48 percentsaid that the cheating was about an emotional disconnection. What was causing this emotional disconnection? The No. 1reason was feeling underappreciated. It was a lack of thoughtful and kind gestures. What I found is that men are far more insecure than they let on, and they do want to please their wives and feel valued. They like to win and as long as they are winning with their wife then they stay in the game. It is feeling underappreciated and like they can't winand maybe they do things that make it hard for her to appreciate himthat usually leads them into dangerous waters. Appreciation is what they first and foremost get from the mistress.

You said women make a mistake in thinking, "If I appreciate him, he'll never change." Why is that a mistake?

Women are always worried that if they are really nice to him, he will just take it in and not do anything. Well, men generally do want to give, and appreciation motivates them. If you appreciate your husband for the next week, and he asks what's going on, then it leads to a positive conversation where you can also share what you want. You're taking the lead and modeling the behavior that you desire in your spouse. This relationship between "appreciation" and a man's need to "win"how does that play out in the home? Just watch your husband view a ballgame. You would imagine from the way he's yelling that he has part ownership in the team he's cheering for. That's because men have been trained since they were little that winning and accomplishing is much of their definition. So they will watch a game to the bitter end if they [or their team] can stay in it. [In the home,] for example, if the husband makes breakfast and burns it, he still feels like he made a gesture. But if those sorts of gestures are met with what he did wrong instead of what he tried to do right, then that becomes, "I can't win." What sort of behavior will a man exhibit if this leads him to start thinking of cheating? The No. 1 sign is more time being spent away from home. The No. 2 sign was less sex, and the No. 3 sign was avoidance of your contact, like cell-phone calls. What these things are saying is that a man is emotionally and sexually moving away from a spouse.

How should a wife address this?

When you see these things happening bring it up in a positive way. Ask him, "Do you remember when we were dating? I want to get back to that. I don't want to wait until the kids are in college. I want to have some fun." This is all about empowering women. There are a lot of marriage books out there that give you a hundred things to do. They're all pretty good if you have time to do all hundred. I'm suggesting that you look at the signs that are going to mean the most and then do something about them. Don't do what so many of us do, which is hold our breath and hope [the problem] goes away. What can couples do to get a relationship back on track and sustain it? I talk about having four 45-minute periods of uninterrupted time a week where both turn off their CrackBerrys and they just spend time alone talking or playing board games or reading. They should also have one night a week where they do date night. It should be the same night every week, so get a babysitter ahead of time, and do not talk about three thingsmoney, business or the kids. Everybody always says, "Well, then what are we going to talk about?" I say, "I don't know, but I promise that when you were falling in love you weren't constantly talking about the stresses of money, business and kids. If you did, you would not have gotten married. It's not what got you here, and it is not what is going to sustain you." I also suggest something that bothers a lot of women and that's locking your door at night. I'm talking about after the kids are settled in, and it's not necessarily to have more sex. The idea is just to say there is a space for your marriage that does not include everybody else.

How To Keep Him From Cheating | Print Article | Newsweek.com

Interesting read.

The article brought to mind a remark made by one of my colleagues the other day. When she found out that I have been married for nearly half a decade (hehe .. that's only 5 years lah! 'Decadising' it just makes it sound so much longer!), she said that it didn't seem that way to her. She thought that doppy and I were newly-weds and had at most clocked in 2 years of marriage.

I jokingly asked if it was the childish ways we act with each other, the constant ribbing and bickering that we do. :P

Just the other day I shared with einna that after 4 years plus of marriage and 5 years plus of being together, I still feel the same towards doppy. In many ways, our love and relationship have in fact strengthened from our shared experiences and the fights we have had to resolve due to misunderstandings or insufficient communication. I am thankful that after so many years, I still feel this way about him.

This is just a little post to remind myself that while it's so easy for the little one to wriggle his way into our hearts (honestly, he doesn't even need to try!), we must still make time for each other. For when the little kitty leaves the litter, the adult meowmes will still have the rest of their lives to spend with each other.

The Promised Post

Yes, yes, I know. I have not kept up with my promise to blog more. Obviously, I do not have enough work to do for I am most prolific when I have work to do on the computer. I am guessing that all should be seeing a little more blogging from me for I have recently been tasked to summarise a 100 page report which I have not managed to bribe doppy to do for me.

So anyway, I have been 'inspired' to blog after reading einna's hilarious post about her trip back to Singapore (*hint hint for more posts!*). And of course, doppy's posts kinda reminded me that I am missing out logging this part of my life since I hardly put my thoughts down anywhere else besides my blog. So here goes my random ramblings (yet again!) about my most mudane life. :)

First up, I am reading a most interesting book (more about our son later lah!). It's A.C. Grayling's "The Heart of Things: Applying Philosophy to the 21st Century". I have always had a keen interest in philosophy and you will not be hard pressed to find a number of books on philosophy on our bookshelves (yes, they are all mine. Doppy's interest doesn't quite extend to philo though he does know a few names when he needs to quote one theory or another). The key thing that made me pick this book up (besides the subject matter and rave reviews it got) was that it was a collection of short essays. I have realised that nowadays I am unable to finish a book in one sitting due to both a lack of time and attention span. Short stories and essays are just about all I can read without dozing off halfway. And so far, I am enjoying this book. Just to share an excerpt from a chapter on monogamy as food for thought:

"How many readers of these words has had only one sexual partner? How many have been faithful during the course (note:every) relationship they have had? Suppose you have been married for twenty years and never once in the at time 'cheated' on your spouse. Still, did you have lovers before then? If, which heaven forfend, your partner were to die or leave, would you not hope to start another relationship at some point? A single 'yes' to any of these questions makes you a polygamist, in the real meaning of the term. And a good thing too.

Those five last words are best not misconstrued. Polygamy - or let us call it non-monogamy, as a more general and neutral term, meaning 'having more than one partner during the course of a life' - is good because it widens and deepens experience in an area whose health is essential to the life well lived. It might mean having more than one simultaneous partner, but it need not and quite often it is better not. Until people have learned not to entangle their domestic projects - home building, having children - with their sexual affinities, with the result that interruptions of the latter typically mean destruction of the former, it might even be better to restrict synchronicities to very limited periods, if at all; as for example when a new relationship supersedes an old one (an inevitability when couples who started together when young have since grown apart: older and wiser couples make stronger bonds). There is good reason to suspect that the best kinds of sexual and emotional relationships are those in which there is sufficient mutuality and exclusivity to allow deep understanding to evolve; how often people utter the cliche, no less profoundly true for being one, that the best sex is the sex you have with the one you really love. And this implies that the best relationships are post-polygamous monogamies voluntarily chosen by those in them." (p.53-54)

On that note, I have been most disturbed recently to find indeed in this day and age, monogamy, even in a marriage, is a rare commodity. The first shocker came for me when I realised that an acquaintance of mine was apparently the third party in another's marriage. The second came in the form of a husband-to-be cheating on his wife-to-be with another woman and now contemplating if he should go ahead with the marriage. And I guess it was these happenings that I observed and many more that convinced me of the writer's argument above about monogamy. I still remember doppy and I ridiculously proclaiming that we were not in an exclusive relationship when we were both pretty conservative and traditional people at heart (i.e. we were mostly incapable of dating one person and going out with someone else). And of course now that we are in a marriage, I have never for a moment taken our commitment to monogamy for granted. One of the best pieces of advice that was given to me was by Einna who told that I should never for a moment, trust that doppy would never cheat on me. Her advice was not meant to cause mistrust in my marriage, but rather as a reminder for me never to take him for granted (in the mistaken belief that he would never cheat on me with another woman or god forbid, that no other women would want him [yes, yes, this is a real ego-boost for him]). In a similar vein, I have also never failed to remind him that I am definitely capable of cheating on him (and more likely to get away with it than he would) and thus never to take the monogamous nature of our relationship for granted. In this modern day where the stigma of a divorce is significantly less destructive than ever before and there are a million and one reasons for extra-marital affairs, there is nothing in a marriage contract (especially if one is not of a religious background) that would ensure monogamy. Ultimately, it is a choice that must be made by the two people in the marriage because their shared experiences and commitment to each (you can see that I am avoiding the L word for that is so difficult to pin down beyond an indescribable feeling) tell them that the marriage is so much more worth having than that fling or new relationship they want to have.

And this brings me finally to my daily struggle. Each morning, I would wake up and the first thing I would do after freshening up would be to go check on XP and to give him a good morning kiss. Thereafter, I would carry him to our bed so that he could kiss? slobber over? his dad before I would return him to F while I continue to get ready for work. Doppy has (jokingly?) remarked on more than one occasion that our son is now more important than him (yes yes, we have all established that he can be rather petty. But when one greets you with a beatific smile upon seeing you and the other greets you with droppy eyelids which refuse to open, the choice seems rather clear, doesn't it?). And each day, I have to ask myself, who do I prioritise? Is it my ever-so-adorable son (alright, alright, I will get around to posting some pics of him soon so that you might share in my adoration!) or my ever-so-loving husband? After all with this new addition to the family, there is no corresponding increase in the amount time I have in a day. Of course, my new posting has given me much more time that I used to have when I was a teacher (and don't ask me what it is exactly that I do; I am still in the process of outlining my job description) but it remains that I only have that many hours left in a day after I get back from work. When previously all I did after a day of work was to come home to doppy and spend time with him, I now feel torn between my duty as a mother and my duty as a wife. Strangely enough, the husbands/fathers never seem to experience this dilemma. I believe that it is a somewhat, more-or-less, self-inflicted conflict that a wife/mother imposes on herself. On one hand, I think I should be spending every available moment I have with xp in order to bond with him and nurture him (especially when I am already gone for the most part of the day and leaving him in the care of someone else). On the other hand, I also think that I should nurture my relationship with doppy in order to provide xp with a loving and secure environment to grow up in. After all, I would not want him to grow up with parents who hardly speak with each other or worse, who lead or perhaps, in the worst case scenario, live separate lives.

Does that mean that ultimately, xp is still my priority? Does this mean that once a kiddo comes into the picture, one's spouse takes a back seat till the kiddo is capable of taking care of (kid)self? Is it wrong of me to leave my son with my help to go out for an evening of clubbing and soccer-watching the next night with my hubby? How does one ration the finite time and energy one has fairly? Can it ever be quantified?

I guess at the end of the day there is no right or wrong answer. And I guess there is no one answer for everyone. Ultimately, I think it boils down to communication between the couple so that each others' needs and expectations could be negotiated and re-negotiated and eventually be met. Thus far, doppy is still quite forthcoming and honest with me about his feelings and also rather understanding towards me. Nevertheless, I must remember I am merely the earth who revolves around the moon and the moon eventually revolves around the sun which is not me (a rather nice analogy that doppy drew for me). And so I must not forget that eventually when XP leaves the meowmeow litter, it is doppy who will stay with me for the rest of my lazy days and hence I must not forget to nurture our relationship for its own sake.

Doppy is remarking that no one will have the patience (or interest) to read such a long post and so I shall end this post here. I will be back with more thoughts of mine to share! :)

Why you should never complain about your company » Brazen Careerist by Penelope Trunk

The title of this article is misleading ... or rather ... it is true but there is more to it than just about not bitching about our company. An interesting read. Spare a few moments and ponder over the points raised. Do you think they are valid?

Why you should never complain about your company » Brazen Careerist by Penelope Trunk

Why you should never complain about your company

I am trying to figure out what is the right kind of guy for me to be dating now that I’m getting a divorce. As an incorrigible go-getter — with all things I do — I am getting a jump start on dating. So if it’s offensive to you that I’m dating before I’m divorced, you should probably stop reading. But I want to warn you that you are probably from the same contingent of people who do not approve of looking for a job from your current job, and I’ve got news for you: Everyone’s doing it. Both.

At first I thought I should be dating people who are recently divorced. You know, shared experience. So I went out with this guy who was married for sixteen months, and his wife is getting about three million dollars in the settlement. Of course he is very upset about the whole thing. But mostly because he thinks she’s crazy.

My alarms go off immediately. I think he might be crazy. Because, as my divorce lawyer says, “A ten never marries a one.” Which is to say that you get what you are.

I ask my date why he’s so upset that she’s getting three million. Because, after all, he earned way more than that while he was with her. (Yes, true.)

He says that she is a raving alcoholic and he didn’t know that when he married her.

Then he orders his second Jack and Ginger.

I have had so few drinks in my life that I don’t even know what Jack and Ginger is.

But here’s what happens: We go out on one date, and I drink. It only takes me about a half a glass of wine to be way more easy-going and flirty than I could ever manage if I were sober. And he asks me out again.

On the next date, he has four beers and I don’t drink, and it is obvious to me that things are not going well.

And it is also obvious to me that he will marry another alcoholic. He likes that in a girl.

But he still complains that he can’t believe he married someone who is so unstable. I can’t believe he doesn’t see what marrying that person says about him. I do not tell him that people who have four drinks on every date marry alcoholics. I do tell him, “A ten does not marry a one.”

The wisdom falls on dead ears.

But I know this is true because after our marriage counseling ended up in our divorce, I went back to the marriage counselor to understand why I chose my husband in the first place. Really, all the things I loved about my husband when we got married are still there. I just need to understand why, of all the things I could love in a person, I picked those to marry. There are millions of reasons to marry someone, really, like that the person is a genius (my husband) or that the person is fun when drunk (definitely not my husband).

It’s easy to judge other people for what they pick. But to be honest, all reasons have their pluses and minuses and we’d do best just to understand why we do what we do. My friend married a woman because she had little world experience and he could show her what he knew. Lame, right? But the marriage is working. And another friend married someone because he’s the male version of Mother Theresa. Great, right? But the marriage fell apart because in the end, she wanted someone to pay attention to her, not save the world.

So I try to not complain about my husband because there’s a lot that is good about him. I try instead to focus on how to be better at understanding myself. Because who you pick to be around says a lot about who you are.

And this is true for a lot of areas in life. Like, look at your friends. Good-looking people hang out with good-looking people. And who you hang out with is so influential on you that fat friends make you fat.

It’s true at work, too. A former boss used to tell me that you should always hire A players because one B player brings everyone down – teams perform to their lowest performer. I think that’s true. I also think that when an A sees a B on the team, the A doesn’t want to come.

So if you are complaining that you are in an office with people who are terrible at what they do, ask yourself why. And instead of broadcasting that you chose to be with terrible people, do some self-reflection and figure out why, so you don’t do it again.

It’s very hard to avoid duplicating the same mistake over and over again – that’s why most second marriages fail, and that’s why people who work at lame companies generally make their next move to another lame company. But if you are really honest about your own responsibility for choosing lameness, then you are less likely to choose it again.

Now, if I can only get as good at choosing dates as I am at choosing companies….

Why you should never complain about your company » Brazen Careerist by Penelope Trunk

1460

That's how many days we have been married.

4 years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things but in this day and age when I have friends who are already divorced or moving on to second marriages, each year spent together is a good year together.

The other night Darth Binky said "Congratulations" to doppy when he mentioned that our anniversary fell on this week. Doppy remarked that it was a strange word to use as it seemed to connote that one did not expect us to make it and thus it seemed like it was worth congratulating that we did. Doppy thought that a more appropriate word would have been 'Happy' instead.

PJ, as usual with her voice of sanity, retorted that it was not that one did not expect the marriage to last but rather it was something worth rejoicing over. Much like we congratulate people upon their promotion or birth of a child.

And I can't agree with PJ more. These four years of marriage have seen us grow together as a couple and as individuals. Particularly in this last year, we have gone from suffering a miscarriage to being proud (albeit tired and anxious!) parents of a little tyke. What did not break us had only served to make our marriage stronger.  With the new addition to the family, our dynamics and relationship with each other are bound to change but we are determined to ensure we still nurture our love for each other so that we not only provide XP with the right environment to grow up in, but more importantly, we stay together as a couple and fulfil the vows we made 4 years ago on this day.

And so it is with this that I want to tell doppy, no matter what happens, as long as I have his hands to hold in mine, God wiling, that's enough for me.

Happy anniversary, darling.

I love you.

A marriage, a wedding, a dinner.

My friend (let's call him by his IRC nick - Maurus) just got married tonight and we were at his wedding. Technically, he already got married last year in November in his current place of residence - Texas, USA. But he came back with his angmoh wife to do the Chinese banquet ceremony tonight, partly probably because his dad wanted to show him off, partly because he had friends here he wanted to share the event with.

I first met Maurus in real life in the summer of 99 or 00... I can't be sure. I believe it was the summer after the second year in university, because the second year was when I really got into the online community thing. I had made friends with him online for quite a few months before that. Loneliness had kicked in and I was finding lots of friends on IRC who were also overseas and who had also sought companionship online. We shared our stresses over our exams, chatted with each other about random things like real friends do, and I think it was one of the ways I coped with my lack of purpose in life as I found myself going online just to talk to someone. Maurus had formed his own channel, #tiko, an offshoot of #overseas channel, and for a while, I was even one of his admins (looking back, it really seems amazing we spent so much time online... but then again... it's not like I had family to talk to or a gf to hang out with). And I think my Extraverted personality needed an outlet and galaxynet was my drug.

Since then, it's been 9 years since I came back, and we've only kept in contact once in a while. Every so often he'd come back to Sg, and earlier in our lives, we would go clubbing and bar-hopping. Later on, it became seafood and beer as we became more "uncle-ly" in our attitudes. Yet it seems like we remained good friends despite the lack of contact, or even communication, as we don't really email or IM each other. As Lovebell puts it, he's the sort of friend that you can not see for 2 years, and then just pick up right where we left off immediately.

He and oinkster remain the only friends I know from my IRC friends. Returning to Singapore and going right into NS within a month of touchdown forced me to leave behind that aspect of my life. Everyone already knows I hate the SAF, but this was another reason why. My Cornell friends never really saw this aspect of my life, because all of it happened in the privacy of my room. To a certain extent, my online friends at that point in time knew more about me than my "real world" friends. By the time I finished my stay-in days, it had already been a year, and I had already met Lovebell who had saved me from going crazy while I remained in green.

So coming back to Singapore made me lose my online friends, but I am glad I kept in touch with Maurus. He's a really nice person and I am glad that Lovebell likes him as a friend too. And he remains one of my links back to a life I miss. Listening to him tell me about his life in Texas is certainly worth me buying him a few drinks, as I think about the alternative life I never had. I can't help think how my life would have been different if I could have stayed in the US. I look at him and really regret going to Cornell on the Govt's money, and whether I could have scrimped and saved my way through with help from financial aid like him. Lovebell knows I love her, but there's a part of me that always wonders what it would have been like to stay there, and I don't think I will ever learn to let go.

Besides , who else can sit down with Lovebell and me and finish a whole bottle of Macallan in one night? :) (Man, that was one hell of a night. Happened first year of our marriage. Looking forward, I don't see something like that ever happening again, esp. with XP on the way... hehe... 21 years to wait then... :P )

So, cheers to you, Maurus and wifey, and have a good life together with each other.
And even though you don't read this blog, nor know of its existence, at least I hope to keep this post on record, so that in 10 years time, I can look back and marvel at how different we "were back then", just as I marvel over my changes in the last 10 years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Apologies for missing out on Musical Wednesday this week, Lovebell and I were on leave to "babify" the house, so I clean forgot about it. Musical Wednesday will be back next week.

10 Ways We Hurt Our Romantic Relationships

clipped from www.lifehack.org It’s not easy to have a great relationship with your boy/girlfriend, partner, or spouse. But it’s not impossible, either — it takes some work, of course, but it’s good work, work that’s a joy when everything comes together. A lot of times, though, the work isn’t enough. We get in our own way with ideas and attitudes about relationships that are not only wrong, but often work to undermine our relationships no matter how hard we work at it. 1. You’re playing to win 2. You don’t trust 3. You don’t talk 4. You don’t listen 5. You spend like a single person 6. You’re afraid of breaking up 7. You’re dependent 8. You expect happiness 9. You never fight 10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hard

Very commonsensical observations and comments but we need such reminders once in a while.

There might be times when we are unaware of our own behaviour or what we are doing to our own relationships. There might also be some of us who are trying to unlearn the habits or attitudes we have formed about relating to our partners or spouses.

Do read the entire article if you can spare the time. It is good for us to take stock of our relationships or marriage once in a while.