Yes, yes, I know. I have not kept up with my promise to blog more. Obviously, I do not have enough work to do for I am most prolific when I have work to do on the computer. I am guessing that all should be seeing a little more blogging from me for I have recently been tasked to summarise a 100 page report which I have not managed to bribe doppy to do for me.
So anyway, I have been 'inspired' to blog after reading einna's hilarious post about her trip back to Singapore (*hint hint for more posts!*). And of course, doppy's posts kinda reminded me that I am missing out logging this part of my life since I hardly put my thoughts down anywhere else besides my blog. So here goes my random ramblings (yet again!) about my most mudane life. :)
First up, I am reading a most interesting book (more about our son later lah!). It's A.C. Grayling's "The Heart of Things: Applying Philosophy to the 21st Century". I have always had a keen interest in philosophy and you will not be hard pressed to find a number of books on philosophy on our bookshelves (yes, they are all mine. Doppy's interest doesn't quite extend to philo though he does know a few names when he needs to quote one theory or another). The key thing that made me pick this book up (besides the subject matter and rave reviews it got) was that it was a collection of short essays. I have realised that nowadays I am unable to finish a book in one sitting due to both a lack of time and attention span. Short stories and essays are just about all I can read without dozing off halfway. And so far, I am enjoying this book. Just to share an excerpt from a chapter on monogamy as food for thought:
"How many readers of these words has had only one sexual partner? How many have been faithful during the course (note:every) relationship they have had? Suppose you have been married for twenty years and never once in the at time 'cheated' on your spouse. Still, did you have lovers before then? If, which heaven forfend, your partner were to die or leave, would you not hope to start another relationship at some point? A single 'yes' to any of these questions makes you a polygamist, in the real meaning of the term. And a good thing too.
Those five last words are best not misconstrued. Polygamy - or let us call it non-monogamy, as a more general and neutral term, meaning 'having more than one partner during the course of a life' - is good because it widens and deepens experience in an area whose health is essential to the life well lived. It might mean having more than one simultaneous partner, but it need not and quite often it is better not. Until people have learned not to entangle their domestic projects - home building, having children - with their sexual affinities, with the result that interruptions of the latter typically mean destruction of the former, it might even be better to restrict synchronicities to very limited periods, if at all; as for example when a new relationship supersedes an old one (an inevitability when couples who started together when young have since grown apart: older and wiser couples make stronger bonds). There is good reason to suspect that the best kinds of sexual and emotional relationships are those in which there is sufficient mutuality and exclusivity to allow deep understanding to evolve; how often people utter the cliche, no less profoundly true for being one, that the best sex is the sex you have with the one you really love. And this implies that the best relationships are post-polygamous monogamies voluntarily chosen by those in them." (p.53-54)
On that note, I have been most disturbed recently to find indeed in this day and age, monogamy, even in a marriage, is a rare commodity. The first shocker came for me when I realised that an acquaintance of mine was apparently the third party in another's marriage. The second came in the form of a husband-to-be cheating on his wife-to-be with another woman and now contemplating if he should go ahead with the marriage. And I guess it was these happenings that I observed and many more that convinced me of the writer's argument above about monogamy. I still remember doppy and I ridiculously proclaiming that we were not in an exclusive relationship when we were both pretty conservative and traditional people at heart (i.e. we were mostly incapable of dating one person and going out with someone else). And of course now that we are in a marriage, I have never for a moment taken our commitment to monogamy for granted. One of the best pieces of advice that was given to me was by Einna who told that I should never for a moment, trust that doppy would never cheat on me. Her advice was not meant to cause mistrust in my marriage, but rather as a reminder for me never to take him for granted (in the mistaken belief that he would never cheat on me with another woman or god forbid, that no other women would want him [yes, yes, this is a real ego-boost for him]). In a similar vein, I have also never failed to remind him that I am definitely capable of cheating on him (and more likely to get away with it than he would) and thus never to take the monogamous nature of our relationship for granted. In this modern day where the stigma of a divorce is significantly less destructive than ever before and there are a million and one reasons for extra-marital affairs, there is nothing in a marriage contract (especially if one is not of a religious background) that would ensure monogamy. Ultimately, it is a choice that must be made by the two people in the marriage because their shared experiences and commitment to each (you can see that I am avoiding the L word for that is so difficult to pin down beyond an indescribable feeling) tell them that the marriage is so much more worth having than that fling or new relationship they want to have.
And this brings me finally to my daily struggle. Each morning, I would wake up and the first thing I would do after freshening up would be to go check on XP and to give him a good morning kiss. Thereafter, I would carry him to our bed so that he could kiss? slobber over? his dad before I would return him to F while I continue to get ready for work. Doppy has (jokingly?) remarked on more than one occasion that our son is now more important than him (yes yes, we have all established that he can be rather petty. But when one greets you with a beatific smile upon seeing you and the other greets you with droppy eyelids which refuse to open, the choice seems rather clear, doesn't it?). And each day, I have to ask myself, who do I prioritise? Is it my ever-so-adorable son (alright, alright, I will get around to posting some pics of him soon so that you might share in my adoration!) or my ever-so-loving husband? After all with this new addition to the family, there is no corresponding increase in the amount time I have in a day. Of course, my new posting has given me much more time that I used to have when I was a teacher (and don't ask me what it is exactly that I do; I am still in the process of outlining my job description) but it remains that I only have that many hours left in a day after I get back from work. When previously all I did after a day of work was to come home to doppy and spend time with him, I now feel torn between my duty as a mother and my duty as a wife. Strangely enough, the husbands/fathers never seem to experience this dilemma. I believe that it is a somewhat, more-or-less, self-inflicted conflict that a wife/mother imposes on herself. On one hand, I think I should be spending every available moment I have with xp in order to bond with him and nurture him (especially when I am already gone for the most part of the day and leaving him in the care of someone else). On the other hand, I also think that I should nurture my relationship with doppy in order to provide xp with a loving and secure environment to grow up in. After all, I would not want him to grow up with parents who hardly speak with each other or worse, who lead or perhaps, in the worst case scenario, live separate lives.
Does that mean that ultimately, xp is still my priority? Does this mean that once a kiddo comes into the picture, one's spouse takes a back seat till the kiddo is capable of taking care of (kid)self? Is it wrong of me to leave my son with my help to go out for an evening of clubbing and soccer-watching the next night with my hubby? How does one ration the finite time and energy one has fairly? Can it ever be quantified?
I guess at the end of the day there is no right or wrong answer. And I guess there is no one answer for everyone. Ultimately, I think it boils down to communication between the couple so that each others' needs and expectations could be negotiated and re-negotiated and eventually be met. Thus far, doppy is still quite forthcoming and honest with me about his feelings and also rather understanding towards me. Nevertheless, I must remember I am merely the earth who revolves around the moon and the moon eventually revolves around the sun which is not me (a rather nice analogy that doppy drew for me). And so I must not forget that eventually when XP leaves the meowmeow litter, it is doppy who will stay with me for the rest of my lazy days and hence I must not forget to nurture our relationship for its own sake.
Doppy is remarking that no one will have the patience (or interest) to read such a long post and so I shall end this post here. I will be back with more thoughts of mine to share! :)